Credit:

Smile

http://xx-Fudgee.deviantart.com/

I'm counting down and in 10 days, my Final Year Project will be over.

How did days get pass so fast that I didn't even realise it's almost the end of my journey?

I'm not sure why too, but I feel like laughing it off. I am still not done with my work.

But I need time for myself to work. If it means to leave my house to concentrate, not sleep for the night, I will do it. Time is running out. Going so fast.

I just hate to disappoint myself, 2 seniors who made much effort to make everything work yet I'm distracted.

I think I'm just afraid.

Still can't figure what I really want.

Actually, I kind of had it planned.

My mom's determined to get me into University.

Yet, I'm so dying to get experience and fulfil what I have not done.

1. Get experience from industry and work on portfolio.

2. Go Taiwan and visit my best friend.

3. Go Vancouver for my backpacker trip and visit Thomas too.

4. Go Australia and visit my cousin.

So much to do and I'm lacking of money.

I'm going to earn my way there and my university fees.

I hate to disappoint my mom but I don't want to dash her hope.

I'm not someone who gives up what I want. It's been my dream to be a University Graduate. Just that it's not my time yet. I know she meant well but she hopes that after my graduation, I'll do her proud. I swear that in time, I will. Just that I need to get my direction right.

I know I'm losing my smile whether it's on this turning point, my Graduation, my friendship or my relationship.

Maybe I'm just not good in expressing myself.

Maybe I'm a klutz in handling my life.

Maybe I've always been so bad with socialising.

But I'm not giving up. Some people thought I'm living well. I jolly well know that people are talking behind my back. So what.

Friends, I need to be honest. I need to be tactful of what I've said and not blunt. I'll keep it badly in mind that to speak to you, I will mind my word. I can take longer time to answer but it's always better to speak later than speaking the wrong things. Now, I'm not naive and I won't be trusting people easily anymore.

Relationship. Let go when it's not yours. He has a decision already. When he's moved on, it's time that I should. Whatever we have said is just reminisce. No one will blame me for thinking of him. But it's time to let him go. I will honour my words to not only enjoy my trip over there of his invitation, I will enjoy every part of my expedition of my back packer trip. YAY.

Just getting everything right and figuring my direction. I know what I want.

Another 2 years later, I'll be so brave to study University that I want and supporting myself of the fees and expenditure. This is growing up. Well, it's never too late to try.

Keep going. I shall head on with my journey.

And for now, enough of sharing. Time to work on my project.

Till later!

Life is unpredictable.

Everyone starts from somewhere.

The highest achievement is not being sore and stay neutral.

To be able to accept the good and the bad naturally.

When a person is neutral and don't hold onto what might not belong to them,

They have nothing to lose.

I won't expect too much, I won't lose much either.

At least to whatever I have now.

In near future too.

If a person have held on too tightly to a mindset,

the person cannot move on either.

To this, I cheer myself.

Letting go of things is giving yourself a leeway to breathe.

Go with the flow of nature.

Now, we're all clear.

Actually, in life

I've been expecting too much.

I want a better life.

I want a talented smart decent boyfriend.

I feel that studies hasn't been too smooth.

But what is smooth sailing life?

A mundane life that was all set for me?

But what's the point when I can learn nothing from a lesson of hardship?

If obstacles make me grow, it's harmless to experience.

Now time to be a big girl and think of the big picture.

In the long run, I've experienced more than anyone else does.

It's a bliss.

Some people didn't even get to experience it.

I will learn to cherish.

Please bless me that with this wisdom, it has brought me further in life.

It's okay to lose something you cherished.

That's when you get to learn appreciation.

I had a hunch yesterday.

I know I will lose something.

I lost the earring Thomas gave.

My dad told me he found it in the living room.

It doesn't suit my ear anymore.

Actually,

I don't see him around anymore.

Maybe he blocked me, maybe he deleted me, maybe he ignored me.

But I think I don't really care anymore.

This has went on for too long.

What else can I do?

Because you always disappear.

I placed the earring into the box you gave.

Even the scent of your shirt is gone.

It marks the end.

I sealed everything inside with all the memories.

Place the box in a quiet corner.

I hope you're doing well.

Because I don't think I have the strength to go on missing you every time

when you're no longer there for me.

Goodbye.

Oh dear, I'm not sure if this is right.

But I'm watching show almost everyday, doing my own thing.

If there is nothing to do for now, I'll do my Final Year Project in advance.

I'm preparing my studies, intending to take SAT with a friend whom I have known for years.

Well, it's late but not too late, I hope.

I'm so tired. I couldn't sleep last night.

My body clock is screwed up again.

I slept 12 hours straight on the weekends.

Or maybe I'm too excited over the new furnitures.

Little things to update.

I'm leaving everything to cool.

The more I do, the better I feel.

Yes. Everything that happened too quickly.

He's happy. I think I am too.

I'm accepting this fact gradually, how impossible it is.

Even though he exists, he's invisible in my life.

I don't know anymore.

But it's fine.

I know I'm going in the right direction.

She said the spiritual support will be surpassed very very soon.

I believe so too.

One day, I will.

A rainbow paint over my face.

Watch me fly.

Credit to *aleksandra88 from DeviantArt (Photo: 95189).

We're better together.

Oh, just little thought of my little brain.

I'm kinda tipsy bitsy happy now.

Don't be mistaken.

I'm not in love.

I just got to my internship company.

It's been about a week, almost two.

I love being around here.

People here are very kind and amicable.

And opps.

I'm late today.

I'll keep reminding myself to be earlier.

It's today and yesterday.

I'm getting later each day.

But I believe I can. I'm just real tired.

But no excuse.

Here, I'm laughing almost everyday.

I'm not sure how and why.

But I'm enjoying the company of everyone.

First few days, I get to familiarize with the environment.

We played foosball

Get to have nice breakfast in pantry

PS3 and nintendo wii or even xbox in lounge.

And after work, feel free to go there!

They invited me over to one of the colleague's birthday, Kim's.

I get to know them better.

This is the third day after submission, also my presentation.

A part of me hasn't grow up.

I get the reason why I feel

I'm just trying very hard to know who I am, find out what I can be.

Without a reason

Without a purpose

Life is pretty dull.

I lost my faith of what I believed I want be.

I'm not as capable as my classmates.

I'm not as creative

I am too cautious.

When you have frame yourself up in a picture

You can either focus on a goal

Or you have limited your possibilities.

That was what I did.

I always thought I wanted to be a designer.

It's been 2 years plus and counting.

All these while, I have been trying to convince myself that this is what I love to do.

But something is lacking and I couldn't tell what.

Times and times that idea struck me that this is not enough.

I think this time, this project, this lifestyle tells me enough how much I want to stay here.

Everyone around me has seen the part of me that hate it.

They have seen my joy too.

But hate to break my bubble, my heart, my dreams, my ambition, my thought.

I realized that even if I tried very hard

I may not cut out to be in this place.

I love doing designs but I hate the fact that what I'm doing can just be a mediocre idea.

I'm almost in a clear state of mind as an adult.

Now, this is a junction again.

A decision of which I have to decide what I want to be again.

I'm graduating and with the feeling of losing my job.

Now, I can choose a degree and university I want to be.

This time round

I'm fixed dead here.

My plan was 2 years of working as a designer to earn my fees and experience.

Get a degree overseas independently.

I want to be a teacher probably.

I feel that facing children and educating them is my forte.

I love times when I teach Ailene's son, John.

I love preparing the little things for him.

I love seeing him apply what he had learned.

I'll continue in Design probably.

Or maybe Early Childhood Education.

Then I can still be what I want to be.

I see that in me.

Patience, happiness, passion, learning.

The time when I put on my glasses this morning.

The joy when I heard people calling me teacher.

The inspiration of how much effort teachers, lecturers have tried to save my studies.

Maybe this is a part of me I have yet to discover.

Since I had tried my foremost ambition and failed, I'm willing to take the next risk to be in teaching.

A rough idea.

Thinking.

Still.